Acceptance of our new life is in prospect, still requiring some balance, some structure, although, in the end… Sasha wakes with a smile every morning. I don’t know how she does it… but it certainly helps me with my first smile of the day!
The first phase of her treatment, (treatment is in phases), lasted 29 days… the beginning, as you’ve read in earlier posts, was difficult. The changes with morality, emotional baggage, physical ineptness due to fatigue, and even personality altering. The world within us & around us became different. We knew our lives were in for a change. Sasha’s reaction to a certain medication, (prednizone, for all you roid freaks, I now know why you are single…), was unbearable at first. One, she despised the pill form & began to fall into a depression, on top of the reality of her new found illness, the amplification of the steroid on her emotions, she loathed her days thinking of the pill she had to take. I found out that it was available in liquid form, and tasty! Her personality became more positive, yet was still demanding, especially when she craved a certain food, one of the biggest side effects to this steroid. Food Cravings… salt… gimme, gimme… NOW. Her chemo treatments left her very tired, as it was all new to the body… all this toxicity was hard for her little body to accept. She had no energy. We couldn’t even do groceries without her complaining she had a headache, was tired & wanted to go home. She hated all the general anesthetization for her lumbar punctures, (spinal taps), she especially hated the part in which she had to fast from midnight on. She was a Roid Kid, she needed to eat… immediately.
Coming towards the end of the first treatment phase, she became almost a pro at all the procedures. I can only imagine what it’ll be like in a year from now… she’ll be prepping her own chemo!?! Her moods have stabilized even before finishing up with the steroid, strange enough. Her energy level became better, I certainly wouldn’t hike a mountain with her, but she was able to walk to & from the hospital without exhaustion. Assuming that acceptance of the new situation has settled in a little, possibly making this all easier.
Honestly, when the doctor told me she had cancer, my immediate vision to the future… was living hell. I imagined what we see on TV, a person disintegrating into nothing, throwing up all over the place, bedridden & on the brinks of their lasts days. The doctor immediately consoled me once he saw my eyes bulge, swell & tear, he told me that she’ll be able to lead a normal life, she’ll be able to go back to school soon enough, she’ll have a boyfriend when she’s a teen… I still saw my child being frail & sick.
Up to today, aside from a period of imbalance at the beginning, she has been… fine. I am as concerned as I am happy about it. Happy because my daughter is not living a hell at the moment & concerned because I am wondering if & when the storm will hit.
We’ve entered into the second phase of treatment, whereas if all goes well, it will last about 2 months. When I say if all goes well, the problem in the interim, is that, if anyone knows how chemotherapy works… basically it halts blood cell production. In the event that her hemoglobin, (red cells), decrease too much, she will have to undergo a blood transfusion. In the event that her neutrophils, (white cells that fight infection), also decrease, she could be hospitalized for prevention of bacteria, infections. While these complications occur, chemo must me put on hold until the hemoglobin & neutrophils increase again… making Phase II longer than it should be. Even if these cells do not decrease to the point of hospitalization, we will still be seeing a change in her… in which has already begun… hair loss. Other changes, with low red-blood counts, fatigue. Low white-blood count, difficulty to fight infections, bacterias, like a common cold. The two mixed together requires lots of sleep & antiseptic!!
So far… her smile does not cease, her mood is exceptional. I look at her sometimes & think, ‘either she has no idea… or she totally does”. As much as she is becoming somewhat of a spoiled child, as her father gives her whatever she wants because she is a cancer patient, (can you sense my resentment…?), she is still surprisingly happy. She laughs, she plays, she pokes my bum, she play fights with her sister… all this without being sick. Again… I am afraid as to when the storm will hit & how hard… until then… I kiss her a lot & admire her big blue eyes.
Sillyness for the cam please…
We will defeat.